Everywhere New Haven, CT resident Max Whitcomb goes these days, his friends remark at how much weight he has lost. Everyone wants to know his secret, which he is quick to share. "I divorced that cheating bitch, Brenda".

She was a whore when she was sober, too

Whitcomb's loss of 125 pounds in the 5 seconds it took for him to sign the divorce papers is thought to be a new record. At press time, officials from the Guiness Book of World Records were unable to verify the feat against other weight loss achievements.

"She slept with half of the neighborhood", said Whitcomb. "She even nailed Rob and Jim, the gay couple that live down the street".

In other weight loss news recently, former Playboy model-current punchline Anna Nicole Smith has shed 50 pounds, although she still hasn't shed the "whale that used to be hot" image.

When asked for his comment on the astounding weight loss, diet guru Dr. Atkins's reply was silence followed by some bones shifting.